Living
Are Live-In Relationships For Older Couples A Solution To Loneliness?
Jyeshtha Nagarik Live-In Relationship Mandal of Pune is looking at live-in relationships for older couples as a solution to loneliness. We met founder Madhav Damle and spoke to couples who met through JNLRM to find out more.
Asavari Kulkarni and Anil Yardi are like any other elderly middle-class couple. Yardi runs his own business, and once he’s back home in the evening, they sit down with their mugs of green tea. Kulkarni likes to cook, so there is some snack as well, usually a Kanda Poha, the Maharashtrian snack favourite.
On weekends and holidays, they like to watch plays, movies or go out to eat.
There’s one big difference. The couple isn’t married. Kulkarni and Yardi, both 67, have been in a live-in relationship for the last four years and happy to continue the same way, despite some amount of “social pressure” to get married.
“We thought about it once, but then I felt sab achcha to chal raha hai. Marriage can bring in expectation and ruin the relationship. So why bother?” says Kulkarni, an amazingly independent-minded woman, who isn’t hesitant to speak about anything – from her need for companionship as she grew older to the need for sexual compatibility with her partner.
Asavari Kulkarni & Anil Yardi at home
Kulkarni and Yardi met at Jyeshtha Nagarik Live-In Relationship Mandal (JNLRM), a non-profit organisation run by Pune based former publisher Madhav Damle. The idea to start an organisation that encourages live-in relationships for older adults came to Damle through trial and error. He has an ancestral home in Wai, near Pune and runs an old age home for widowed seniors there. Most of the seniors there were alone and troubled, having lost their spouse. In most cases, children had an indifferent attitude to their loneliness. Damle felt marriage was a good idea. It worked initially but also came with the possibility of disapproving children and property issues, among other things.
Why not live-in relationships, which can be more hassle-free, Damle thought. “I did a survey and made 300 questionnaires. More than 70% of people who took the survey said live-in relationships would be an ideal situation for lonely senior citizens looking for companionship, but after 10 years.”
Madhav Damle in his office
Undeterred, Damle decided to start. June 12, 2012, saw the first meeting of JNLRM. “I started by taking out the announcement in local Marathi newspapers, and it caught people’s eye. Our first meeting saw 25 people, and gradually the numbers started increasing every month. One of our first couples met -Mr Bam and Mrs Ketkar — it was a boost for everybody.”
In the last six-seven years, JNLRM has successfully matched 39 couples despite their extremely stringent vetting process. Once Damle has a good mix of candidates, they usually go on a picnic or road trip together, as it helps to break the ice. Most of the couples who met through them started by living in together for 5-6 months before opting to get married, more often than not due to social expectations.
Meena Lambe, 60+ and Arun Deo, 71, are one of the married couples. Meena wanted to continue in the live-in relationship, but her partner felt otherwise, so they decided to get married after six months. Marriage hasn’t always been a comfortable ride for Lambe, who lived independently after her first husband’s death for 28 years and brought up her children single-handed. There is a good side to having someone to share her life with, but she misses her independent life.
“Still, there are good things too,” she adds. “We love to travel and have already gone overseas thrice; I needed someone to have a conversation with, and he is smart, so we have interesting talks. And I needed someone to wait for me back home.”
Kulkarni wanted someone with her at home too. She wasn’t precisely lonely and had an extremely active social life. “But as evening fell, I’d get worried about my health and being alone and my safety.”
When she and Yardi met, she decided to take the first step and text him. “I had told myself I’ll meet him once and only take the next step if I like this meeting.” They met every alternate day after that first meeting; Yardi would come and pick her up in his car after work, and they would go to see plays or for dinner. “Yes we were dating, if you want to use the American term,” she laughs.
Kulkarni and Yardi played it cautious. They liked each other’s company and had no-holds-barred conversations but were in no rush to change their living arrangements. Finally, after 10-months, Yardi moved in with Kulkarni. His office was closer to her home in Bibwewadi, and it made the most practical sense, though they also visit his residence in Hadapsar, a 45-minute drive away.
The nameplate has both their names
Kulkarni has lived in the same apartment for the last 30 years. She’s outgoing and friends with almost everybody, from her immediate neighbours to people in the apartments around. She shared the news with the same confidence and strength with which she took the decision. “I introduced him to everyone, from my maid to all the neighbours and told them that we would be living together from now and do not have any intention to get married.”
Despite the seemingly conservative middle-class neighbourhood and friend’s circle in which Kulkarni moved, the response was positive from almost everybody although she had done the groundwork. “When I started going out with him, initially I was embarrassed so would follow him into the car once he was already inside it; then I thought I was doing nothing wrong to be ashamed of and started walking out with him, meeting people’s eyes and saying hello to them on the way.”
Their decision wasn’t without opposition. Kulkarni’s son from her short-lived first marriage (she’s divorced) was supportive, Yardi’s daughter wasn’t, even trying to dissuade Kulkarni from living with her father by pointing out his “bad habits.” Kulkarni also faced stiff opposition from her co-sister but won her over eventually. Today they visit everyone, including Yardi’s daughter who lives in Mumbai. Both she and Yardi have even met relatives from his deceased wife’s side. “If you believe in what you are doing and hold your head high, there’s nothing to hide,” he says, echoing her belief.
How tough was it adjusting to another person at a much older age?
Yardi says it took 8 months for the “comfort factor” to set in. He works up to 7 pm on weekdays and Kulkarni, a retired LIC employee, spends her time visiting friends and doing her chores. Both think the space they get the entire day helps.
Not everyone has had as smooth a path. Lambe still wonders if she and Deo should have tied the knot due to social pressure. Loneliness was a significant factor for both of them to come together, and though they have found companionship, she suggests that people think through before marrying at an older age as one’s habits become more unalterable.
“My advice to all those who wish to find a companion later in life would be first to weigh the pros and cons and preferably be in a live-in relationship rather than marry.”
Damle believes a live-in arrangement is ideal for older couples as it gives them a sense of independence within the relationship and avoids complexities of marriage like property issues cropping up. He’s a trained geriatric counsellor and people who approach JNLRM, have to go through quite a detailed questionnaire that asks about everything from financial details to pinpointing the exact reason why people are looking for a partner. He has met all sorts of people in the process, some outright hilarious – from an elderly man mainly looking for a housekeeper to a lady looking for an old man who is likely to pass away soon leaving the property to her.
Once he has matched a couple who wish to stay together, he insists on a notarized agreement, spelling out everything from who would be taking the responsibility to cook to whether finances would be shared jointly. He asks them to make a will if they haven’t and even asks them to note down what their expectation about sexual relations would be, to avoid any future complications.
Since the very concept of live-in goes against the grain of traditional Indian belief that puts marriage above everything, have Damle’s efforts been ridiculed and rebuked?
‘I haven’t received threats, but beliefs are difficult to change. I reached out to several senior citizen’s organisations across Pune but did not get a very enthusiastic response,” he says. What helped him was the local media. “Yeh kaam pravah ke virudhh hai (against the norm). The local Maharashtrian media has been very supportive.”
JNLRM is open to all, though Damle prefers residents of Pune and surrounding areas so that he can be in touch with the person comfortably. He charges Rs 5000 for men who are interested in starting the process of finding a partner. There are no charges for women as Damle feels it is a massive step for many older women to even think of approaching the organisation. JNLRM is open to women over 45 and men over 50.
Damle wishes society was more open-minded and accepting of live-in relationships among older people. Although children (including one grandchild) have met him looking for a partner for their parent, he has also come across many who have opposed. “However, we always ask people to keep their children aware of their intentions to find a partner. Because even if children are angry initially, sometimes they come around.”
Comments
Dr. Arun Shirgaonkar
03 Mar, 2024
Subsequent to my post of 2nd March...my whatsapp number is 9869304507
Dr. Arun Shirgaonkar
02 Mar, 2024
I am 74 years disease free widower...done Doctorate in Chemical Engineering from I.I.T....worked abroad with Diplomatic Status...own a Flat in Mumbai...my only daughter lives far away causing loneliness for me..interested in live-in or marriage.
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15 Oct, 2023
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05 Sep, 2023
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23 Aug, 2023
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08 Jul, 2023
Shaik dilshad
Twos company
31 May, 2023
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28 May, 2023
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ASHA KULKARNI
27 Mar, 2023
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RAJ STIPATHI
26 Feb, 2023
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15 Feb, 2023
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Anil Katkar
28 Jan, 2023
Hi friends Good morning We four widower and widows friends formed a group in Pune for 55+ people who haven't partner It's not Hi Good morning We four widower and widows friends formed a group in Pune for 55+ people who haven't partner To meet once in a nearby Agrotourism resort spend one day in chatting, sharing good memories, indoor and outdoor games singing and dancing, storytelling, bulak kart, tractor rides, eating different food with different people, knowing new friends and return in the evening We would feel difference between morning and evening moods our positivity would be increased staying one day without TV and mobile we would feel free No political discussion no teasing and no complaints about anyone The purpose of group is to get good companion and to live on day out of routine We would meet in second week of February 2023 Interested person please contact me on 9970815046
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18 Jan, 2023
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Ms.Noshiya Das, 6-2-70/63, Manik Prabhu Layout ,AME DNTL College Rd, Raichur-584103 OU
08 Jan, 2023
Am Really Happy To About Ur Services Sir, I Saw Indian Idol & Got To Meet Savitri Kulkarni & Anil Yadri's Togetherness, Am Between 50&55 years, Am State Employee, I Too Like To Hav A Frnd For Life Long A Gentle Man Of Soft Soul & Understanding Nature, Capable To Do Social Work For Very Old-age's, & Get to nearby villages to share smile & Speak On Human Equalisim, To Very Growing Kid's. I Appreciate Ur Kind Soul In Coming Forward To This Gudwork, To Spend The Single Parent's To Live With Smile & Peace To B Hlthy & Welthy In Mind Body & Soul, God Bless You For All Ur Opness Services.. Pls I Need Ur Response
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10 Sep, 2022
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Arun Gedam,
06 Aug, 2022
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S.G.P.Raj
14 Apr, 2021
I am comfortable to relocate to Bangalore if anyone ready to give me accommodation even in an orphanage. I can anchor and introduce a revolutionary idea in Second Innings for anyone above 50 in all categories. The idea is amazingly new. My mail id is sripathiraj51@gmail.com
S.G.P.Raj
14 Apr, 2021
Yes. I can support in any city to make finding live-in partner soon thro two new and powerful channels. I live in Tamil Nadu, brahmin, 62 years, once an IT entrepreneur and now an author. I have rocking concepts to start second life with the new partner. Anyone interested, pls send test mail to sripathiraj51@gmail.com. Regards. RAJ
Naidu
31 Mar, 2021
i am a retired official of one of the PSBs and widowed long back. only daughter living in USA. if any female around 60 years without any encumbrances welcome for a live in relationship/friendship to share the pains and happiness. financially quiet comfortable with some business interests. i am from the state of andhra pradesh. my mob.9493892474 i am aged around 70years.
Naidu
30 Mar, 2021
i am retired official from one of the PSBs and widowed long back. only daughter living in use. financially sound and no encumbrances .need a female companion for live in relationship. or to talk over phone every day to share some pains/happiness. aged 70years.
Dm
28 Mar, 2021
I hope this concept is now more popular in 2021, especially after the isolation during COVID. I am 65 yr divorcee, physically and mentally fit yoga teacher and volunteer. I used to work in many countries and now settled in India. I think I am financially stable. I have booked a retirement home and plan to move in 2023 after it is ready. I wish I have a companion for physical, mental and emotional support. I love to travel. I drive and if she can drive it will be better. Thinking to travel the world as well. An independent woman is preferred, however I can support her financially. I believe in Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam (the world is one family). Any female with similar situation and interests and serious please mail to livetoday.smile@gmail.com or WhatsApp to +917975305968. Thank you in advance. Pranamam.
Anonymous
15 Feb, 2021
Very well done system. Appreciate the efforts put by Mr. Damle. I am a daughter of single parent (father) and always thought that my father should find a partner for himself. Of course, this is against the social norms but definitely feel is the right approach. Glad to read through the article.
Dr Singh
31 Jan, 2021
Well conveniecing platform, Ido appreciate such group. I myself 66 yrs old retd doctor from health department govt of haryana , in need healthy educated energetic n sweet with peaceful female partner.
Ms Gayathri
29 Jan, 2021
Hi. Im 65, hralthy, happy with work. Looking for friends my age in whitefield area blore. My general question is: should I opt for senior home , live by myself, and/ or find good company in sixties to mingle with? I'm open to a live in/ out man relationship Roighly my age. Various interests. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you. 65 widow.
Ms Gayathri
29 Jan, 2021
Ms. Gayathri Parthasarathy 65 fit, friendly widow living in s bengalore, whitefield. Looking for live in/ live out relationship, best friend. No cheats. No legally married pl. Be honestly available. Open. Educated. W classical musician, pianist. You: 55 to 70ish, in decent health, no smoker, lt drinker. Iyer kids r grown and settled in usa. Prefer eventually live in. Retiring next year. Thank you.namaste. 9488052019 many interests like local travel, gardening, bookworm. Ps not interested in marriage. Period.
Gala Bhailal
24 Jan, 2021
Gujrati female 60 senior vegetarian for same 60 male
Nandakumar Hendre
17 Jan, 2021
Need to know more about connecting people like minded and looking for partners
Silver Talkies
26 Nov, 2020
Hi, Unfortunately, we are not a modelling or advertising agency. Best is to look for casting agencies on social media and reach out to them. You can look up Texa Talent and similar agencies. For further queries, you can write to us at connect@silvertalkies.com. Thank you
Gadadhar Paul
18 Aug, 2020
I am a widower aged 61 yrs.my wife died in 2006 since then i am alone,looking a partner aged 45 to 50 in Ranchi Jharkhand.if any female partner interest then call me in 6203096736.
Anonymous
27 Apr, 2020
I Had Already Expressed My Wish Above; Still Nobody Has Approached Me, I Wonder!
Venkat Pallapa
18 Feb, 2020
hi My friend is a professor at a premium Institute. He is male, 69 years old and lost his wife 10 years back. His two sons settled abroad. I feel he needs a female person for live-in relation. Would it be possible to help him. regards venkat
P N Karanth
28 Dec, 2019
A noble idea and most required in the present conditions. I wish all the best for Mr Damle, for helping people. We need such person and platform in Bangalore.
Ratnam Sen
31 Oct, 2019
I need a companion lady for my smart , young at heart dad He resides in kolkata. He is 80. Pleaseeeeeee help
Sundaresha
18 Oct, 2019
Good move best of luck to all promoters who r whole heartadly bringing this platform surely I am joining yu to do my bit of service in Bangalore contact me 9845697218
Lakshminarayan
17 Oct, 2019
Yeah this sort of platform is intended by in Bengaluru from the beginning of journey in this Silver Talkies . Of course some ladies are turnout and dare enough to talk on such issues but so far no male person called me nor contracted so I look forward interested persons to contact me over my phone 9886881606 to establish such a NGO in our Bengaluru city too .I will ensure a common platform from our side organizing it in most congenial way.
Dilipy.Pawar@Gmail.Com
14 Aug, 2019
we should appreciate Mr. Mdhav Damle who is doing good social work for all widows, divorces, widower. I am also a widower and looking for a suitable companion/friend to walk together in future life.
Ravi D
30 May, 2019
These activities are confined in southern part of the country. What about Central India like madhya Pradesh or uttar Pradesh where people are deprived of such facilities which were non existent some years before. Great work.
S.G.P.Raj
08 Aug, 2014
I am a resident of Coimbatore aged 60 in good health, once an entrepreneur and now doing extensive research in Quantum Wellness & Autophagy, ready to surprise the world with my health and healing solution. Quite relaxed. I am a simple, love-seeking person with humour in my blood. I love travel, music (classical and old film songs), books, swimming and new friends. Separated from a loving family in Coimbatore. Oh. What a loss in life? I am craving for a family atmosphere again. Anyone ready to shake hands welcome. No marriage pls. My mail id is sripathiraj51@gmail.com. Bye. SRIPATHIRAJ
Sukla Bhattacharya
06 Aug, 2014
seeking a overaged friend only , real friend not only f.b friend ....above60 y only..widower prefered .inbox me. i am divorced,,only bengali known person contact me on 9748170141, from kolkata v,v nice,
Lakshminarayan
22 Jul, 2014
Live in relationship platform is intended by me in Bengaluru from the beginning of journey in this Silver Talkies . Of course some ladies are turnout and dare enough to talk on such issues but so far no male person called me nor contracted so I look forward interested persons to contact me over my phone 9886881606 to establish such a NGO in our Bengaluru city too .I will ensure a common platform from our side organizing it in most congenial wayIt is most essential & need of the hour.Many people are still afraid of coming out openly, after all the life after 50+ is not guaranteed so i being 60+ CAN UNDERSTAND better of the seniors. come out bravely have fun laugh and enjoy remaining life happily -contact me let us improve seniors life in grand styles.
Lakshminarayan
18 Jul, 2014
Yeah this sort of platform is intended by me in Bengaluru from the beginning of journey in this Silver Talkies . Of course some ladies are turnout and dare enough to talk on such issues but so far no male person called me nor contracted so I look forward interested persons to contact me over my phone 9886881606 to establish such a NGO in our Bengaluru city too .I will ensure a common platform from our side organizing it in most congenial wayIt is most essential & need of the hour.Many people are still afraid of coming out openly, after all the life after 50+ is not guaranteed so i being 60+ CAN UNDERSTAND better of the seniors. come out bravely have fun laugh and enjoy remaining life happily -contact me let us improve seniors life in grand styles.
Anonymous
08 Jul, 2014
For more details contact : piyusurya91@gmail.com
Anonymous
07 Jul, 2014
I m looking for genuine person age 40 above..for friendship only from maharashtra.
Narendranath C
04 Jul, 2014
I am really impressed
M. S. W.
02 Jul, 2014
Do you have similar group in Nagpur. If so Pl inform details of contact. Thank you
Yogendra Kumar Agrawalla
09 Jun, 2014
I am 70 years old living alone at Vadgaon Naval near Pune require suitable vegetarian medically fit companion around 60- 65
Jasmene Thacker
25 May, 2014
Hello .can i some contact number,i want to like to know some more detail information
R S Saini
18 May, 2014
I am 58 yrs male very active in my business at Delhi. Feeling lonely due to indifferent attitude of wife and staying alone since one year. Need a charming n educated lady preferably working lady of sane age to stay in live in relationship. My contact no.is 9811214858
Vivek Jagdale
10 May, 2014
I am interested to join your medal. i am do business in Mumbai . my wife is expire in 2017 January. my son and daughter they are marred and they are NRIA . I am staying alone in malad Mumbai .i need living companion self independent who can travel abroad with good health, my health very good no deices. Till today regulars rooting checkup .my age is 63 running .i am Hindu Maratha from barashi sholapur
Tanaji Darunkar
07 May, 2014
I m 45 yrs old male. I m looking for a female friend, age no limit. She should be smiling. As my life due to my wife has become deserted, very dry. I want to make myself happy as life is too short. M: 9527875710
Raj Kumar
18 Apr, 2014
I AM 78 year old WELL settled in DELHI need FEMALE Partner
Anil Katkar
30 Mar, 2014
Hi dear friends Good afternoon I am Anil Katkar a widower 75 from Pune retired from the Shaving Blade Co as a Production Manager I have written my comments no of times on the Silver Talkies blog but no response I am searching since last two years by all means like news paper adds seniors group marriage beauro sites but met only cheaters locally and on sites and found during my search it's an international problem Let's like minded male / female get connected on What's app and find companion after knowing each other well after sharing ideas Sites ,free classifieds agencies ,adds are of no use and present environment isn't favouble So I am appealing like minded people please don't waste our valuable present moments for waiting for someone I request please response and get united This group have no bar like cities,state or even countries My Whatsapp number is 9970815046
Avijit Dev
24 Mar, 2014
Very good work by Mr Damale. I also need a companion .I am 68 years living in Patna and Mumbai.
Vijayanand Temkar
06 Mar, 2014
Vijayanand Temkar , With reference to letter dated 27 April 2020.stating ,Nobody has Approved me, How can one approach an Anonymous person not knowing any further details.
Mahesh Aron Kale
24 Feb, 2014
Hi, I am 67 years young male.. Very healthy. No medical problems so far. I lived abroad for last 42 years. My kids are grown up and live abroad with their spouses separately. Love of my country pulled me back to Pune, India. I started to live from 2013 six months in India every year. I am divorced. If I will get a female partner, either as a friend or as a live in relationship and if we get along good I may move back to India. Whenever I Stay in Pune I get very lonely.
Ashirwad V. Phalnikã R
15 Feb, 2014
Through taking inspiration from various stories yu. Publish I am longing for true love from mature woman. I am senior citizen unmarried lonely in life still working in private Stay at mumbai. I am brahmin by cast if not found any hindu comm. Will do. Can contact on below mention email add.
Vijayanand Temkar
07 Feb, 2014
From ..Vijayanand Temkar, normally elders above 60/65 years whether HE OR SHE ,day Passes easily ,but as night approaches one start getting restless,due to advanced age ,people get worried if any thing happens at night ,no one to call for help. That is where Live in Relationship, help each other. People either were in love got married or an arranged marriage.Marriage brings changes to both positive or negative. Later on the demise of one of the partner, or devorce,or strained relationship loneliness peeps in. To remarry invites lots of problems including property and children would never agree for. The only solution is LIVE IN RELATIONSHIP, for happy life.9869411403
Vijayanand Temkar
03 Feb, 2014
Happy holi to all my seniors and my friends. Let us all enjoy the colors. And be happy. From Vijayanand Temkar 9869411403
Vijayanand Temkar
11 Jan, 2014
With reference my comments on or /02/2020 my contact no. Is 9869411403
Vijayanand Temkar
07 Jan, 2014
All marriages do not workout well.due to aggressive behaviour of either partner the life for both becomes miserable.Some how couples continue till the time of marriage of their children. Normally after their sixties ,the situation get worst. That is the time couple should stay separate, find out A BEST SUITABLE friend and start living in relationship WITH BEST FRIEND . NEVER MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND. I am 74 staying in Mumbai phone 9869559056. Let,s get together and help Mr. Damle in his pioneer task.
Vijayanand Temkar
03 Jan, 2014
Best work done by Mr.Damle ,the article on Kulkarni & Gardi is the best.I request Mr. Damle ,there are many senior couples due some reasons the relationship between husband and wife is too strained and they remain separate ,without getting divorce for social reason. I am one of the victim at the age of 74 yrs and stay alone. Is there any arrangement like live in relationship or friendship for these seniors like me ,where only few words well being are wellcome.Thanks
Yogendra Kumar Agrawalla
30 Dec, 2013
I am willing to assist for the promotion of the noble cause of Mr. Damle on honorary basis. I also require a suitable companion to walk together to live a worthful life for the causes of others in the remaining short part of the life.
Sanjeev Dadhe
13 Dec, 2013
A novel idea. It is also possible for two men or two women friends to stay together. It can be useful for company. A husband and wife have grown old together and have a lot of old memories including children as a bond. School friends also have such old memories.
S.Chandra Shekar
24 Oct, 2013
This is very good social work done by Mr. Damle, I understand how difficult it will be without life partner at older age, we work whole life for family & children when really we want to spend time our self & if life partner is not there then it becomes very difficult. You start getting depressed in life. I would like know more details about this NGO.
Smita
08 Sep, 2013
Hi, It was heartwarming to read about Mr. Kulkarni & Mrs. Yardi's story. Losing a spouse is a terrible thing but eventually, you settle with it and then you want to move on. But by then the society around you has already cast you in that role of a forever grieving spouse. In truth, your yesteryears are the years when you really need a companion for those quiet and eventful days, just to even be able to smile at them. Kudo's to you Mr. Damle for making this commendable move of bringing out this issue in open and making a simplest yet the much required efforts.
Vishwas Avalaskar
15 Aug, 2013
Well conveniencing article. This must be percolated to all widows, divorces, widower and all orthodox senior citizens . This really an eye opener I am also a widower and looking for a suitable companion to walk together in future life.
Ravi
14 Aug, 2013
Great article. This should be replicated in other cities as well.
Shravan Kumar Gupta.
12 Jul, 2013
Hello, I am 71yers old widower. i m looking smart and beautiful women aged 65 and above. If any one is interested can be contact. 82799 22412.
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